I am frustrated. These past two weeks I have been crippled with anxiety. I kept thinking over and over as to why. NOTHING in my life could be the cause of this. Yes, there’s a lot on my plate, but in theory I don’t have to do much of any of it.
So why have I been crippled with so much anxiety? Even after being laid off unexpectedly, I was relatively calm, and all through May I had been calm.
I found myself recalling what this anxiety was usually associated with. Something I like to call psychic fever… when I start to get physically ill due to something bad coming to my life.
I got it when I was fired unexpectedly. I got it when the Paris terrorist attacks occurred, the Boston Marathon bombing, and now I am realizing the massacre in Orlando.
I have come to the conclusion that I get physically ill whenever a major and devastating event is about to happen. Usually the day after I am relieved, or feel better as messed up as that sounds. And not for evil purposes either, ‘oh that I’m glad that dozens of people were hurt or injured’. The anxiety should be worse after, to think all those loving people being injured by a senseless act of violence.
But the anxiety comes from not being able to control it. No one will believe me when something bad is going to happen with symptoms of a common cold. No one will believe it.
But this physical reaction was different this time with Orlando. Last night I had a dream where I was running away from a gunman and bolted out of an emergency exit. Somehow I thought staying to bolt the door was safer than using the time to flea. The gunman knocked down the door which threw me to the ground and shot me in the neck. I felt my warm blood gushing out of my neck, down my torso and felt myself dying which is when I woke up.
I don’t remember my dreams. My last dream was also a death dream which happened the night before I was laid off unexpectedly.
This gunman dream was so much more real. I even FELT the warm blood.
It makes me so frustrated sometimes to have this heightened ability and not be able to do anything real with it because no one will believe me.
Maybe I’m meant to change that.
Man, wouldn’t it be cool if I could fight terrorism with my ability be able to tell the CIA when the next attack would be… yeah.