I was in love with him. So very much in love, and now that we haven’t spoken since last July, the time apart has been painful, yet healing. It gave me time to think about the what ifs, gave me time to think about if we were to ever reconcile, what might happen, what might I say.
I never, ever, felt this way towards anyone else in my life. Our connection was so strong, deep and powerful.
Yet, for various reasons I suppose, I couldn’t have him. And I’ve felt this before with someone else previously, to be in love with someone whom you cannot have is a great pain that no one should have to experience.
Yet, I did and said all that I could say to him, about our connection, and so it is time I feel that I should just move on. Loosing someone whom I had thought was a friend to me, and then felt that I was just used and walked all over for is incredibly breaking.
Most days I feel broken and depleted, like the life and energy has been sucked out of me. I tried so hard to show him how much I cared, despite our circumstances. Yet, I felt he took it all from me and gave nothing in return.
When I do go into a deep introspection, and think about my true feelings for him, despite how he’s treated me in the last year, the feeling of love is still there.
If this some sort of test, the universe is putting me through, then my god, I hope that I overcome it.
Just several weeks after he cut contact with me, I had a dream that I somehow found out about a party he was having at his house on social media and decided to crash it. In the dream, I was able to stay clear of his vision, enjoying the food that was there, talking amongst the guests. As the guests started to clear out, he found me and embarrassed I started to turn around to leave. But instead of yelling at me for crashing his party, or calling me out, he looked at me and said “Stay”. That was when I woke up.
If that wasn’t a sign of what to do, I don’t know what is. That was last Summer though and it’s been months since then. When I was verbally harassed by a girl whom I thought was a friend, I reached out to him, and he didn’t even respond.
Yet, every single psychic I’ve met told me that we’re supposed to reconcile and build something after that. And having a psychic consensus that strong is kinda rare. One told me that he’d come back when I was in the ‘light’ again, but no way in hell would I let him get away with what he did to me. You cannot abandon those who you supposedly love. The fact that he wasn’t there for me, when I wanted him to, I feel speaks volumes. But then I go back on what I do feel for him, despite what he’s done and I still do love him.
So, if a reconciliation is for me with him and I in the future, I suppose I just have to move on, until then. I mean, that’s the whole point in a reconciliation though isn’t? That it’s supposed to happen when both of us have mostly moved on…